i dream in color.

disclaimer: i'm hoping this will make me feel better--not you.

while falling down this mountain, i've somehow managed to grab onto a branch. but it's breaking... ever so slowly. many things could happen between now and the point at which the branch breaks, but the branch will break.

good thing it's not too far to the bottom...


somehow, i'm trapped in another circle of hopelessness. i'm "depressed," so they gave me pills. the pills supposedly keep me from being depressed (which is not to be confused with making me happy)--and it's working. but i haven't been really happy for a while now, in case you haven't noticed. and now when i want to cry, i can't. so here i am: not happy; not sad... in fact, i'm quite numb. really the only emotions i feel anymore are anger and frustration--two emotions i don't care for very much.

depressing, isn't it? haha...

i don't sleep very much these days, but when i do, i have the most incredible dreams. they linger as i wake up, slowly drifting in and out of my consciousness. by the time i've gotten on with the day they're pretty much gone leaving only vague remnants in my memory. it's strange though--the feeling i have when i first wake up. it's like i can't quite tell which reality i'm in. my dreams make me nostalgic. many will take place in the same location, sometimes with the same people. some people are people i know, others i don't. it's really the places that i remember more than anything. i can't even begin to describe them. they're all amazingly vivid to me. sometimes my dreams happen in this massive building. it's more like a complex of some sort because there are several different sections that are connected. in every dream i have involving this building, i discover a part of it that i'd never been to before. it's so unearthly though. i don't see how anything like it could ever exist in this world. and yet, it's so real and practical in my dream. i've seen both the inside and the outside of this building. part of the building's exterior is covered in those mirror-like tiles. i remember seeing the blue sky reflected in them. and i was walking through this wheat field that lined one side of the building. i remember thinking in my dream that the golden wheat contrasting with the blue reflection of the sky was so beautiful.

other times, i'm in a school that closely resembles the campus of science and math, but there are some major differences. like whole buildings or wings that never existed. and the interior is different and the people living in it are people i've never met. there's a whole floor that i remember walking through. it was a girls' hall. what was so cool about it were the rooms. all the doors were open and inside i could see these incredible tapestries and drapes that were like stained glass. and the beds were wrought iron and painted white.

lately, however, i've been having recurring dreams about tornados. weird, huh? and in each of them, i'm never afraid. in one dream, i'm standing on a small road that stretches across a plain. you could look in any direction and see nothing except dry grass. but the sky--the sky is filling quickly with dark clouds, though as you near the horizon, you can still see the sun which creates this incredible effect with the clouds. then as i'm looking up at the clouds, i watch them swirl to a point. the birth of the tornado... the point will slowly move down and once it touches the ground, it steadily accumulates more cloud, growing fatter and fatter right before my eyes. it doesn't wobble at all. it just keeps spiraling downwards until it takes up nearly all my vision. i remember feeling the force of it, even though it didn't move me at all. most distinctly, i remember watching it and seeing these pastel swirls of color mixed in with the gray of the spiraling clouds. it was the most beautiful and awesome thing i've ever seen--even in life.

it's all so vivid. what scares me is that sometimes the memories i have from my dreams are more clear than my "real-life" memories. it seems so unlikely, but i often wonder if perhaps these vivid dreams are simply a link to another reality entirely. my life as a different person in different places, in different worlds, with different people. there are times where my dreams really aren't that different from reality. then things get really confusing. i'll remember something and can't tell if the memory is from a dream or not. perhaps deja-vu is where your dreams and reality meet. anyways, now that i've convinced everyone that i'm insane, i've also successfully distracted myself. and damn, the room is dark. when the hell did that happen?