been a while, i've heard...

well it's been a damn long time since i've last updated this. i'm not sure who actually still reads this thing, but just in case you happen to be checking up on me or are curious about what's been going on in my life, here goes.

i'm living in rocky mount, nc (aka: rock city). it's an interesting place if i were being generous. i actually drive 25 minutes every day to wilson, where i'm working at starbucks. i was recently promoted to "shift supervisor" which basically means i'm making a small amount more to work twice as hard, though i do get to exert authority on a regular basis. i'm living with will-i-am, local jackass and scam-man. we don't really get along, to be honest, but it's working out for the time being. mutual symbiosis and whatnot. school is not part of my life at this time. i'm not even thinking about when i might go back... it's pretty basic these days. work mostly.... eat, play and sleep when i can afford to. recently took a little trip up to NJ/NYC with will and friends. that was fun. i'm planning on posting some pictures on my photoblog. check it out.

i'm a dirty liar. however, i promise the following is 100% true.

recently, i''ve been suffering from a new manifestation of insanity. one i'm not sure that i can even verbalize, though i think it might be worth it to try. earlier today, i was in the shower and out of nowhere, this almost subconscious sense of panic starting boiling around for no apparent reason. it's like if i tried just a little less to surpress it, it might just come tearing out of my skin and wreak havoc upon my universe. it might be closely related to restlessness or just plain anxiety, but it's so much more foreboding and yet completely inexplicable. it is usually accompanied by severe dissociation and extreme apathy about my present situation/surroundings. i've tried to focus on it and develop more precise descriptions of what exactly it might be or why it's there at all. it's really hard to shake and it kind of bothers me that i can't explain it to myself, much less an outsider. to be honest, the most similar experience i've had to this was when i was a child. i used to have night-terrors almost nightly for my entire 9th year of life. every night before i went to bed, i'd spend my last couple of hours awake dreading the ordeal i knew i was about to go through. then, inevitably, i'd spin into the night-terror and it would take hours sometimes for me to reason my way out of it. that feeling of panic and the utter lack of control would persist even when i knew i was awake. it was completely illogical and yet the most difficult feeling to escape. i was far too young to be fighting demons like that. and now that i'm older, the demons return, except in a more subversive manner that may prove more difficult to resist, simply because i've lost the strength. i wonder if it'll just kind of go away or if it will get progressively worse until i really do lose touch with reality. i think as long as i have people, i should be okay. it's when i'm alone that i worry. then there's no distraction, no point of reference, no anchor. nothing. just me, myself, and my shifty mind. i don't trust that fucker for shit.

in other news, i've been sick as a dog for a couple days now. feverish delerium and all that. i've been spending most of my time in my bed tossing and turning and wishing i could get up to get some water. and now my family is leaving me alone for 2 days. it would serve them right if they came back and found me two-days-stiff in my bed. i can't believe they'd just leaving their dying daughter alone while they go off to greenville to indulge themselves in fine food and endless entertainment (at my frivolous uncle's house). i'll be here though. listening to morcheeba and drugging myself silly. oh and amusing myself with the ridiculously fruity cigarettes i just bought. they come in a variety of brilliant colors and have shiny gold filters. i look at them and laugh. of course i had to buy them... even at $5.25/pack. i also got a book. to read! isn't that exciting...

it is worth mentioning that this sickness was well-deserved. i committed far too many crimes of the flesh on saturday night to NOT be suffering the consequences now. it was my friend's 20th birthday and it was well-celebrated. for the sake of self-incrimination, i can't list all the bad things i might have done. but there may have been plenty... trust me. at least i didn't do anything/anyone i'd regret. hahaha. i crack me up. seriously though, listen to morcheeba.

the drugs make me stupid...

...and yet so brave. but seriously, it's not like i have anything to lose, right?

quite.


i feel that i'm approaching a dangerous time in my life... at least as far as my mental health is concerned. not to be melodramatic, but what i mean is this: i have reached a point in life where a total "reset" is possible. i have no anchors, so to speak. no particular obligation to my future... in short, i have absolutely nothing to lose and no guarantee of gain. i could move out west and change my name and become an environmentalist hippie and live in a tree while smoking green. i could move back to canada and become a rave-child. i could submit to expectations and return to unc of chapel hill and become a politically moderate journalist that will most likely end up penniless and suicidal. probably overdose on caffeine and sleeping pills... wouldn't that suck. truth be told, none of those options are really all that enticing to me. and so, the stupidity sets in and makes room for impractical passions. and it all makes me wonder, just how much would i be willing to "sacrifice" to give an impossible dream hope? sometimes my mind exaggerates and tells me that i would do pretty much anything to find something that made me truly happy... what might that be? i frequently ask myself... the answers are vague and shifting. photography? a persistent passion, at least. though expensive and rather competitive overall. that idyllic music aficionado's cafe dream? that's a fun one... really, though... come on, hannah. music maybe? this would probably be a much more realistic option to me if i thought for a minute that i had enough motivation to follow through with a career that would demand so much focus. i just don't have that kind of faith in myself. so that's what became of my passions, if anybody asks...

now my life has this looming "open-endedness" to it. inevitably, my focus is once again distracted by the ongoing quest for happiness in human relationships. as many times as i crash and burn in my own little world of dreams, i still find myself unable to resist the vulnerability of truly caring for a person. in the past, there was always some other aspect of life (school, family, etc.) that kept me from making rash decisions based on irrational expectations. now, however, there is nothing. and i'm so damn tired of giving up on happy endings. i feel that now that i truly have nothing to lose, maybe i owe it to myself to chase a few down. i want to find answers to the "what if's" and the "could-have-beens". even if they're all no, hannah. don't be stupid.


wish me luck and keep me high. before i chicken out again.

p.s. this is the part of my blog where i pretend that i can upload images from my dreams. this photograph below is a disturbingly precise reproduction of an exact scene that i believe i described in an earlier post. and i quote: [sometimes my dreams happen in this massive building. it's more like a complex of some sort because there are several different sections that are connected. in every dream i have involving this building, i discover a part of it that i'd never been to before. it's so unearthly though. i don't see how anything like it could ever exist in this world. and yet, it's so real and practical in my dream. i've seen both the inside and the outside of this building. part of the building's exterior is covered in those mirror-like tiles. i remember seeing the blue sky reflected in them.] end quote; begin photo


thank you for your time. sorry to waste it so.

fishie: part ii

well my fishie lives. he doesn't even act like he might be considering death. he swims around contentedly unless you look at him, then he just freezes in the water and looks back at you. i'm convinced he'd be superb for the camera. oh and he's eating now. i have to practically hand-feed him though. if the pellets sit too long, they'll sink down into the rocks where there's already a collection of soggy fish food that is starting to cloud the water. i need to do something about that. i also need to name him. i think it's safe to do that. i feel like it should be a fierce name that reflects his inner shark, but i might just settle for mephisto. mephisto the fiesty fishie. i like it. it's settled. in case you weren't aware, mephisto is a badass demon lord from the game diablo ii. brother of baal and diablo. he was a tough fucker to kill and hopefully my fishie will be too.

right now, me and mephisto are chillin to the vibes of the velvet underground. fun stuff. i'll be back later to write more meaningless crap.

fishie: part i

i have completely lost patience with dial-up... my laptop officially crashed today, so i just went ahead and reformatted it completely hoping that i didn't lose anything too important. of course, that was with the assumption that i'd be able to re-download a good portion of it... obviously, i was pretty fucking retarded to think that i'd be able to download shit with this godforsaken connection. my connection is so slow, even the internet doesn't have patience for it. it almost always times out before the last half of the page can load... i'm actually composing this post in wordpad. maybe blogger will let me sign in and publish this before 5 a.m., but it's not looking likely :(

however, turning back to the light, i'd like to announce that i have purchased a fiesty fishie that will hopefully live for a few years or at least until the sun rises. i'm fairly certain he will though. he's a betta fish--definitely a fighter. i handpicked him, of course, based on his color (irridescent maroon), and on his liveliness (compared to his fellow bettas). the deciding factor, however, was his reaction when i picked him up to examine him. after throwing an indignant fit, he came right up to my face and stared back at me with as much hatred a fish could possibly muster and i loved it. so i bought him. i will probably post some pictures all over the place soon enough so you can share my enthusiasm and taste his loathing. his home is actually rather nice, if i do say so myself. you'll see :) i haven't named him yet. i figured i'd better wait for a few days... just in case...

LIES!

do you ever get the feeling that communication is utterly useless? maybe useless is a little extreme, but it is definitely overrated and unreliable. i mean, half the things you say to people are a complete waste of time. they either forget it instantly or just take it for granted (like the niceties of conversation). most of the things we ever say are mere repeats of things we've been saying our entire lives. i remember reading somewhere about how if people cut the "pleases, thank yous, and sorrys" from their everyday conversations, they would end up saving enormous amounts of time and the whole world would just run smoother in general. i'm not suggesting that we revert to uncivilized social dynamics; i'm just arguing the fact that communication is often frivolous. another thing: how are you supposed to know that anything the other person says is true. they could lie through their teeth and to your face all day and you might never be the wiser. the only backing we have is that we can lie right back to them. i lie to people a lot... usually at work these days, but before 2 years ago, i lied to my parents about nearly everything. it's not that i was a compulsive liar or anything, it just always seemed necessary. it was either lie or suffer the irrational wrath of my parents. i think, in a way, lying is a very necessary element of communication. in fact, lying might be one of the only reasons communication is still worth a damn. let's face it, it's the easiest way to avoid situations, the easiest way to make friends, the easiest way to get a job, and among many others, the easiest way to get laid. so lie your freaking heart out, world... for the sake of communication.

mighty strange weather...

tonight's topic is the appendix. you know, that little useless (*ahem*... vestigial) organ near your liver? scientists have been baffled for centuries as to what the appendix is good for or what function it may have served our primitive ancestors. now, i really can't even pretend to know any more than those poor scientists, but damnit, i can have my outlandish theories. under the single assumption that god exists, i suspect that the appendix was deliberately placed as a time bomb. if man, beast, or disease don't get you first, god will be sure to control the population by setting off your appendix.

alright, so i really don't know where i was going with that one. i think it went as far as possible.

the "vivid dream syndrome" is back. i think it probably has something to do with me never quite reaching the deep sleep state. i think i just hover in REM all night and have crazy dreams that stick with me all the next day. i think i should consider revising my life routine. like sleep, and eating, and mind-manipulating... that kinda thing. not that the alternative is all that enticing, but at least i'd be a bit healthier. then again, i've found that once you change things for the sake of your health, you'll usually end up sickly for a reason you can't help. so why bother?

impending doom?

i've been feeling a little strange lately. very restless and agitated--"on edge" perhaps. on the edge of what, i don't know, but i suspect something big.

i need to move soon. why? well for many reasons... 1. a) living with my parents again reminds me of why i was so keen to get out in the first place. don't get me wrong, i love my parents. i just recognize the fact that living with them is not the best way to nurture positive feelings between us. after reading my last post, you get an idea of why. also, i don't know how many more times i can handle my mother crying whenever i have to explain to her why her daughter is going to hell whether or not she "accepts Jesus." and i'm bad for my dad's psyche, too. for some reason, i'm usually the trigger for his random fits of anger and apparently i cause him a lot of stress in general =\ 1. b) i'm fairly certain that i've become a rather bad role model for my little sister. i don't know what all she knows about me and my habits. she knows i smoke (cigarettes), she knows i drink on occasion, she knows that i'm up late all the time, she knows i keep bad company, and she probably knows things that no one thinks she knows. it's true she's been more sheltered than most kids her age and it's something i sort of still resent my parents for. i gave her her first secular music cd. it's comprised of artists ranging from 'the gorillaz' to 'the doors' to 'the beta band'. and i tried to be careful not to pick songs that would completely corrupt her young, impressionable mind. i just wanted her to know that there is good music out there that has absolutely nothing to do with god.

2. i need to get back into school. as long as i'm living up here and working at starbucks, i will not be in school. i need to figure out where the fuck i want to go, whether or not they'll take me, and how in hell to pay for it. then, based on that information, i need to decide where to go. also, it would be extremely helpful if i had even an inkling of what to do with my life. for instance, if i decide to stick to the original plan and be a journalist, i'd probably want to go back to unc... but honestly, that idea has lost its luster to me. if i decide to pursue an art/music related major, i'd probably go to ecu (if they'd even accept me). so i guess those are my two main options. then there's door #3: fuck it all, get a generic business degree and open a coffee shop somewhere that has a budding--or even better--a flourishing arts/entertainment scene. i've had this seed of an idea in my head for some time now. but basically, i'd like to set up a cafe that attempts to bring people together through music. a place where people could exchange music either through a shared network or directly (for use with both laptops and various mp3 players). i know the idea is simplistic and hair-brained, but hey--let me dream.

3. this city is sucking me dry. once again, if you've read the previous post, there's no need to expound. i'm just tired of contagious delusions, frivolous emotions, and dashed hopes.

my future is before me... as usual. and to be honest, i'm not really looking forward to it. maybe that's why i drag my feet more and more every day. i sometimes think life would be easier if i were completely insane. or at least, i'm convinced that it would be easier than being slowly driven insane by the inescapable flux of life. and that, my friends, is why i am the way i am.

new news

so i guess the first thing i wish to say my adoring public is "happy new year." the second thing you should know is that i am presently in a foul mood. there are a few things that have contributed to this inevitability.

1. my mother is convinced that i have an eating disorder and that i'm possibly dying at a much faster rate than most 19-yr olds. and so, out of love, she nags me unceasingly about all the things i should change about my life. even though i maintain that it's none of her damn business, i suppose she does have some basis for her exaggerated fears. it's true i don't eat much these days. no time. and when there's time, there's no money (it's an interesting equilibrium that makes a ton of sense if you think about it). it's also true that my internal clock is whack as hell. sleep isn't easy anymore. also, i smoke entirely too much for an asthmatic. but the thing that probably scares me the most is my hair. it's falling out. possible causes? smoking, perhaps. or maybe being forced to wear my hair up all the time. oh yeah, and the hat. i fucking hate hats. then again it could just be the scurvy... either way, i probably am dying, but hey... that's the price of living.

i live fast in hopes that when i die, i'll have the momentum to keep rolling.

2. speaking of work... it sucks. don't get me wrong; i really don't mind working for starbucks. it definitely has its perks (health care, savings plan, FREE COFFEE, and partner discounts). how often is it that you find a job that pays AND supports your addiction? oh wait... i forgot about drug dealers. besides that, the reason my job is driving me to distraction is simply the location of this particular store. roanoke rapids is like the fabled king midas, except that instead of turning things to gold, it becomes shit instead. my coworkers are a diverse mix of lazy bitches, sleazy assholes, and incompetent imbeciles. the customers aren't much better. over 70% of local customers can't say macchiato or frappucino. the out-of-state customers (we get a lot of these) are generally rude, condescending, and/or impatient. fucking elitists.

3. my social life is a bit lacking i think. i typically end up keeping bad company wherever i go, and this time is no different. the only difference is probably the general attitude of this god-forsaken city. it's populated with a frighteningly large clot of under-achievers. and yet, they dream so big... not that i'm trying to blame my pathetic choice in clots on this town or anything. i'm just coming to terms with the reality that i need to get the hell out of this place asap. also, i'm starting to tire of being single in spite of the fact that the alternative will in all likelihood be a messy and painful mistake. staying away from that one for a while i think.

geez, it's nearly 3 a.m. already. i suppose i'll quit now and go find solace in something other than a blog rant.

-hm

p.s. in case you didn't realize, that engagement thing has been over for nearly half a year.