impending doom?

i've been feeling a little strange lately. very restless and agitated--"on edge" perhaps. on the edge of what, i don't know, but i suspect something big.

i need to move soon. why? well for many reasons... 1. a) living with my parents again reminds me of why i was so keen to get out in the first place. don't get me wrong, i love my parents. i just recognize the fact that living with them is not the best way to nurture positive feelings between us. after reading my last post, you get an idea of why. also, i don't know how many more times i can handle my mother crying whenever i have to explain to her why her daughter is going to hell whether or not she "accepts Jesus." and i'm bad for my dad's psyche, too. for some reason, i'm usually the trigger for his random fits of anger and apparently i cause him a lot of stress in general =\ 1. b) i'm fairly certain that i've become a rather bad role model for my little sister. i don't know what all she knows about me and my habits. she knows i smoke (cigarettes), she knows i drink on occasion, she knows that i'm up late all the time, she knows i keep bad company, and she probably knows things that no one thinks she knows. it's true she's been more sheltered than most kids her age and it's something i sort of still resent my parents for. i gave her her first secular music cd. it's comprised of artists ranging from 'the gorillaz' to 'the doors' to 'the beta band'. and i tried to be careful not to pick songs that would completely corrupt her young, impressionable mind. i just wanted her to know that there is good music out there that has absolutely nothing to do with god.

2. i need to get back into school. as long as i'm living up here and working at starbucks, i will not be in school. i need to figure out where the fuck i want to go, whether or not they'll take me, and how in hell to pay for it. then, based on that information, i need to decide where to go. also, it would be extremely helpful if i had even an inkling of what to do with my life. for instance, if i decide to stick to the original plan and be a journalist, i'd probably want to go back to unc... but honestly, that idea has lost its luster to me. if i decide to pursue an art/music related major, i'd probably go to ecu (if they'd even accept me). so i guess those are my two main options. then there's door #3: fuck it all, get a generic business degree and open a coffee shop somewhere that has a budding--or even better--a flourishing arts/entertainment scene. i've had this seed of an idea in my head for some time now. but basically, i'd like to set up a cafe that attempts to bring people together through music. a place where people could exchange music either through a shared network or directly (for use with both laptops and various mp3 players). i know the idea is simplistic and hair-brained, but hey--let me dream.

3. this city is sucking me dry. once again, if you've read the previous post, there's no need to expound. i'm just tired of contagious delusions, frivolous emotions, and dashed hopes.

my future is before me... as usual. and to be honest, i'm not really looking forward to it. maybe that's why i drag my feet more and more every day. i sometimes think life would be easier if i were completely insane. or at least, i'm convinced that it would be easier than being slowly driven insane by the inescapable flux of life. and that, my friends, is why i am the way i am.