recently, i''ve been suffering from a new manifestation of insanity. one i'm not sure that i can even verbalize, though i think it might be worth it to try. earlier today, i was in the shower and out of nowhere, this almost subconscious sense of panic starting boiling around for no apparent reason. it's like if i tried just a little less to surpress it, it might just come tearing out of my skin and wreak havoc upon my universe. it might be closely related to restlessness or just plain anxiety, but it's so much more foreboding and yet completely inexplicable. it is usually accompanied by severe dissociation and extreme apathy about my present situation/surroundings. i've tried to focus on it and develop more precise descriptions of what exactly it might be or why it's there at all. it's really hard to shake and it kind of bothers me that i can't explain it to myself, much less an outsider. to be honest, the most similar experience i've had to this was when i was a child. i used to have night-terrors almost nightly for my entire 9th year of life. every night before i went to bed, i'd spend my last couple of hours awake dreading the ordeal i knew i was about to go through. then, inevitably, i'd spin into the night-terror and it would take hours sometimes for me to reason my way out of it. that feeling of panic and the utter lack of control would persist even when i knew i was awake. it was completely illogical and yet the most difficult feeling to escape. i was far too young to be fighting demons like that. and now that i'm older, the demons return, except in a more subversive manner that may prove more difficult to resist, simply because i've lost the strength. i wonder if it'll just kind of go away or if it will get progressively worse until i really do lose touch with reality. i think as long as i have people, i should be okay. it's when i'm alone that i worry. then there's no distraction, no point of reference, no anchor. nothing. just me, myself, and my shifty mind. i don't trust that fucker for shit.
in other news, i've been sick as a dog for a couple days now. feverish delerium and all that. i've been spending most of my time in my bed tossing and turning and wishing i could get up to get some water. and now my family is leaving me alone for 2 days. it would serve them right if they came back and found me two-days-stiff in my bed. i can't believe they'd just leaving their dying daughter alone while they go off to greenville to indulge themselves in fine food and endless entertainment (at my frivolous uncle's house). i'll be here though. listening to morcheeba and drugging myself silly. oh and amusing myself with the ridiculously fruity cigarettes i just bought. they come in a variety of brilliant colors and have shiny gold filters. i look at them and laugh. of course i had to buy them... even at $5.25/pack. i also got a book. to read! isn't that exciting...
it is worth mentioning that this sickness was well-deserved. i committed far too many crimes of the flesh on saturday night to NOT be suffering the consequences now. it was my friend's 20th birthday and it was well-celebrated. for the sake of self-incrimination, i can't list all the bad things i might have done. but there may have been plenty... trust me. at least i didn't do anything/anyone i'd regret. hahaha. i crack me up. seriously though, listen to morcheeba.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
the drugs make me stupid...
...and yet so brave. but seriously, it's not like i have anything to lose, right?
quite.
i feel that i'm approaching a dangerous time in my life... at least as far as my mental health is concerned. not to be melodramatic, but what i mean is this: i have reached a point in life where a total "reset" is possible. i have no anchors, so to speak. no particular obligation to my future... in short, i have absolutely nothing to lose and no guarantee of gain. i could move out west and change my name and become an environmentalist hippie and live in a tree while smoking green. i could move back to canada and become a rave-child. i could submit to expectations and return to unc of chapel hill and become a politically moderate journalist that will most likely end up penniless and suicidal. probably overdose on caffeine and sleeping pills... wouldn't that suck. truth be told, none of those options are really all that enticing to me. and so, the stupidity sets in and makes room for impractical passions. and it all makes me wonder, just how much would i be willing to "sacrifice" to give an impossible dream hope? sometimes my mind exaggerates and tells me that i would do pretty much anything to find something that made me truly happy... what might that be? i frequently ask myself... the answers are vague and shifting. photography? a persistent passion, at least. though expensive and rather competitive overall. that idyllic music aficionado's cafe dream? that's a fun one... really, though... come on, hannah. music maybe? this would probably be a much more realistic option to me if i thought for a minute that i had enough motivation to follow through with a career that would demand so much focus. i just don't have that kind of faith in myself. so that's what became of my passions, if anybody asks...
now my life has this looming "open-endedness" to it. inevitably, my focus is once again distracted by the ongoing quest for happiness in human relationships. as many times as i crash and burn in my own little world of dreams, i still find myself unable to resist the vulnerability of truly caring for a person. in the past, there was always some other aspect of life (school, family, etc.) that kept me from making rash decisions based on irrational expectations. now, however, there is nothing. and i'm so damn tired of giving up on happy endings. i feel that now that i truly have nothing to lose, maybe i owe it to myself to chase a few down. i want to find answers to the "what if's" and the "could-have-beens". even if they're all no, hannah. don't be stupid.
wish me luck and keep me high. before i chicken out again.
p.s. this is the part of my blog where i pretend that i can upload images from my dreams. this photograph below is a disturbingly precise reproduction of an exact scene that i believe i described in an earlier post. and i quote: [sometimes my dreams happen in this massive building. it's more like a complex of some sort because there are several different sections that are connected. in every dream i have involving this building, i discover a part of it that i'd never been to before. it's so unearthly though. i don't see how anything like it could ever exist in this world. and yet, it's so real and practical in my dream. i've seen both the inside and the outside of this building. part of the building's exterior is covered in those mirror-like tiles. i remember seeing the blue sky reflected in them.] end quote; begin photo
thank you for your time. sorry to waste it so.
quite.
i feel that i'm approaching a dangerous time in my life... at least as far as my mental health is concerned. not to be melodramatic, but what i mean is this: i have reached a point in life where a total "reset" is possible. i have no anchors, so to speak. no particular obligation to my future... in short, i have absolutely nothing to lose and no guarantee of gain. i could move out west and change my name and become an environmentalist hippie and live in a tree while smoking green. i could move back to canada and become a rave-child. i could submit to expectations and return to unc of chapel hill and become a politically moderate journalist that will most likely end up penniless and suicidal. probably overdose on caffeine and sleeping pills... wouldn't that suck. truth be told, none of those options are really all that enticing to me. and so, the stupidity sets in and makes room for impractical passions. and it all makes me wonder, just how much would i be willing to "sacrifice" to give an impossible dream hope? sometimes my mind exaggerates and tells me that i would do pretty much anything to find something that made me truly happy... what might that be? i frequently ask myself... the answers are vague and shifting. photography? a persistent passion, at least. though expensive and rather competitive overall. that idyllic music aficionado's cafe dream? that's a fun one... really, though... come on, hannah. music maybe? this would probably be a much more realistic option to me if i thought for a minute that i had enough motivation to follow through with a career that would demand so much focus. i just don't have that kind of faith in myself. so that's what became of my passions, if anybody asks...
now my life has this looming "open-endedness" to it. inevitably, my focus is once again distracted by the ongoing quest for happiness in human relationships. as many times as i crash and burn in my own little world of dreams, i still find myself unable to resist the vulnerability of truly caring for a person. in the past, there was always some other aspect of life (school, family, etc.) that kept me from making rash decisions based on irrational expectations. now, however, there is nothing. and i'm so damn tired of giving up on happy endings. i feel that now that i truly have nothing to lose, maybe i owe it to myself to chase a few down. i want to find answers to the "what if's" and the "could-have-beens". even if they're all no, hannah. don't be stupid.
wish me luck and keep me high. before i chicken out again.
p.s. this is the part of my blog where i pretend that i can upload images from my dreams. this photograph below is a disturbingly precise reproduction of an exact scene that i believe i described in an earlier post. and i quote: [sometimes my dreams happen in this massive building. it's more like a complex of some sort because there are several different sections that are connected. in every dream i have involving this building, i discover a part of it that i'd never been to before. it's so unearthly though. i don't see how anything like it could ever exist in this world. and yet, it's so real and practical in my dream. i've seen both the inside and the outside of this building. part of the building's exterior is covered in those mirror-like tiles. i remember seeing the blue sky reflected in them.] end quote; begin photo
thank you for your time. sorry to waste it so.
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