the drugs make me stupid...

...and yet so brave. but seriously, it's not like i have anything to lose, right?

quite.


i feel that i'm approaching a dangerous time in my life... at least as far as my mental health is concerned. not to be melodramatic, but what i mean is this: i have reached a point in life where a total "reset" is possible. i have no anchors, so to speak. no particular obligation to my future... in short, i have absolutely nothing to lose and no guarantee of gain. i could move out west and change my name and become an environmentalist hippie and live in a tree while smoking green. i could move back to canada and become a rave-child. i could submit to expectations and return to unc of chapel hill and become a politically moderate journalist that will most likely end up penniless and suicidal. probably overdose on caffeine and sleeping pills... wouldn't that suck. truth be told, none of those options are really all that enticing to me. and so, the stupidity sets in and makes room for impractical passions. and it all makes me wonder, just how much would i be willing to "sacrifice" to give an impossible dream hope? sometimes my mind exaggerates and tells me that i would do pretty much anything to find something that made me truly happy... what might that be? i frequently ask myself... the answers are vague and shifting. photography? a persistent passion, at least. though expensive and rather competitive overall. that idyllic music aficionado's cafe dream? that's a fun one... really, though... come on, hannah. music maybe? this would probably be a much more realistic option to me if i thought for a minute that i had enough motivation to follow through with a career that would demand so much focus. i just don't have that kind of faith in myself. so that's what became of my passions, if anybody asks...

now my life has this looming "open-endedness" to it. inevitably, my focus is once again distracted by the ongoing quest for happiness in human relationships. as many times as i crash and burn in my own little world of dreams, i still find myself unable to resist the vulnerability of truly caring for a person. in the past, there was always some other aspect of life (school, family, etc.) that kept me from making rash decisions based on irrational expectations. now, however, there is nothing. and i'm so damn tired of giving up on happy endings. i feel that now that i truly have nothing to lose, maybe i owe it to myself to chase a few down. i want to find answers to the "what if's" and the "could-have-beens". even if they're all no, hannah. don't be stupid.


wish me luck and keep me high. before i chicken out again.

p.s. this is the part of my blog where i pretend that i can upload images from my dreams. this photograph below is a disturbingly precise reproduction of an exact scene that i believe i described in an earlier post. and i quote: [sometimes my dreams happen in this massive building. it's more like a complex of some sort because there are several different sections that are connected. in every dream i have involving this building, i discover a part of it that i'd never been to before. it's so unearthly though. i don't see how anything like it could ever exist in this world. and yet, it's so real and practical in my dream. i've seen both the inside and the outside of this building. part of the building's exterior is covered in those mirror-like tiles. i remember seeing the blue sky reflected in them.] end quote; begin photo


thank you for your time. sorry to waste it so.